Shifting Power Read online

  “Routine is my coping mechanism.”

  “I get it, but it’s a public memorial.”

  Hyka was unimpressed and unmoved.

  “I don’t want Caleb there, but August insists,” Valerie said, giving up her fight.

  “He should be there. One day he’ll understand.”

  “Can we go to grandpa’s house again?” Caleb whispered. His bottom lip pushed forward.

  Valerie’s heart broke. She wanted to go back and live an eternity in the cabin. Caleb was too little to understand the things happening around him. Sometimes even she had trouble wrapping her mind around all their loss.

  “No, baby. Not for a little while, okay?”

  “Grandpa’s house, NOW!” Caleb swung and hit her in the arm.

  “No, sir, we do not hit, do you understand? You do not hit Mommy.”

  Caleb flung himself onto the ground, crying. “I want to go bye-bye. Grandpa’s house.”

  Valerie cried, too. She picked the boy up, wrapped his flailing arms in hers, and rocked him. He finally looked at her.

  “I’m sorry I hit Mommy,” he said, seeing that she was upset. “Don’t have a sad face, Mommy. I’m sorry.” He cried again. She held his head against her chest as she continued to rock him and stroke his hair.

  “It’s okay, baby. I forgive you. It’s not your fault. Mommy is just really, really sad.”

  “I’m sad, too.”

  She did her best to lift herself off the ground and carry her son to his room. A sweater hung in his open closet. Caleb fought to put it on himself, and Valerie stepped in. Toddler fight was not on her list of activities for the day.

  “I’m stuck. I’m stuck, I’m stuck,” Caleb said, squirming with his head in the gray material.

  Valerie laughed and pulled it down. “There you are. You’re so handsome. Now let’s brush our hair and teeth.”

  When Caleb was ready, Hyka and Valerie walked together to the funeral site, each holding one of Caleb’s hands. They were last to arrive at the small cemetery that had been constructed on the grounds after the attack. She wondered how much bigger the fenced area would grow before her war was over.

  “Someone had to go pee-pee again before we left,” she apologized as she walked across the newly laid sod grass.

  “Uncle Kev!” Caleb wiggled out of her grip and planted himself firmly on Kevin Burton’s leg. “Where is Grandpa, Kev?”

  Kevin kissed his sister on her cheek. She looked at him, but he ignored her for his nephew. He ruffled Caleb’s hair and picked him up. “Grandpa’s taking a nap, little guy, okay?”

  Hyka wrapped an arm around Valerie when she saw her face twist with grief at his words. Pulling her close, she cried, too. The two women were orphans, of sorts. Their bonds were such no other could understand. Valerie was thankful that her friend didn’t blame her for the deaths as she blamed herself. Every single loss weighed on her.

  August took Valerie’s hand and helped her and Caleb to their seats. The ceremony gave full military honors to Michael Burton and Austin Major. As the vehicles bearing the men’s remains approached, seven uniformed servicemen and women from the nearby air force base stood in formation. They moved in unison at the command of a senior ranking serviceman. Their solemn faces were unfazed by the watching crowd. This was the memorial service Lucas Jarrett robbed from Scott. The caskets were set next to framed pictures of the men in their final military photos, captured before the Awakening at their respective ages. The picture depicted the man she tried hard not to resent. The last time she saw him, he looked like he and Kevin were twins. Seeing her brother step forward next to the photo of their father sparked bitterness in her. Kevin had not spoken to her since the attack. She became restless as he cleared his throat and took a piece of paper from his pocket. Behind her, she heard a car door shut. Everyone who needed to be there was sitting around her. The late arrival did not concern her.

  Kevin looked up at her, then to the crowd to begin his memorial speech.

  “My father was jaded.”

  Valerie coughed.

  “He placed faith where prudent caution should have been.”

  “Seriously, Kevin?” Valerie said in a harsh whisper that only August heard.

  August grasped her hand. Was her brother really incapable of remorse of any kind? She wanted to slap his face. Push him to the ground. Rip him apart. Her frustration was magnified in the face of her grief. Her irritation. Her repulsion.

  Valerie finally turned to see the latecomer. Jasmine Jacobs stood in black and turned away as soon as Valerie locked eyes on her.

  “No. No. Valerie, no.”

  She slid her hand from August’s grasp and followed Jasmine. Following became chasing until Valerie reached the woman’s arm and spun her around. She had her opposite fist cocked back when August got to Valerie, just in time to wrap his arms over hers.

  “I’m sorry!” Jasmine said. “It was a mistake to come. I just wanted to show you respect for your loss.”

  “Respect, or claim your victory? We were happy before you came. You did this, didn’t you? You’re a part of this Reactance, aren’t you?”

  “Val, enough. Cameras,” August said.

  Kevin continued Mike’s agenda-filled eulogy behind them, unmoved by the commotion.

  “I’m sorry, Ms. Russell,” Jasmine said. “From deep down. I know this gene has its effects, but it does not remove my values as a human. I pray for your and your family’s healing. Now, pardon me. I recognize my mistake in coming.”

  Valerie stayed in August’s arms until Jasmine got into her vehicle and drove away. The agitation disappeared, and they walked back to her seat next to Hyka. Jack stood to deliver a eulogy for Hyka’s father. Valerie’s mind drifted to anywhere else other than where she was until the guns fired. She jumped and reached for Caleb, who was already in August’s lap with hands over his ears. Everyone she loved would die. She knew it. Anyone she relied on sealed their fate.

  Each woman was handed a folded US flag. Jaw clenched, Valerie dutifully nodded to the soldier offering the triangular symbol to her. She needed to start leading instead of leaning. That was the only way to keep everyone else alive.

  She walked back the airport hotel in a blur. Unconscious of her steps, she could have floated back to the Facility and not realized how exactly she got there. She didn’t see or hear or feel anything walking through the doors until August touched the back of her arm.

  “We have something for you, Valerie,” he said as they climbed the stairs, stopping at the eighth floor.

  “I don’t think I can handle any more excitement. Today is not about me, and I’ve already embarrassed myself enough for one day.” She looked at August, silently pleading and being honest. Whatever else they had, unless it was getting rid of Jarrett’s energy, it could wait.

  With his hand on the door that led out of the stairwell, a small smile hinted at his lips. His grin was far more contagious than she expected. Her nerves were going crazy, unsure she could find the energy, borrowed or otherwise, to react to any kind of surprise.

  “Okay, maybe it can wait.” August winked at her.

  She sighed with relief, and they continued the winding journey to her suite. After a huge tantrum, August helped get an overly tired Caleb ready for bed.

  “We should probably spend time together, huh?” she asked.

  “We don’t have to rush things, Val. It’s literally been seventy-two hours.”

  “I was thinking we might be stronger together, as a team. You are my DiaZem partner and it’s time I start taking charge, too. Besides, I’m scared if I don’t jump into this, I’ll never leave this plane crash waiting to happen.”

  “I’ll catch you,” he smiled. His dark eyes narrowed when he did, taking her breath away. She could just sit there and stare at him all night. He would probably be content to do the same.

  “There’s wine in the fridge. I’ll finish getting this kid to bed,” she said with hands mimicking claws. She chased Caleb back to his
room, got him settled, and carefully pulled the door to leave a two-inch opening.

  “I get scared to leave him in his room at night.”

  “It will be over soon. I promise.” August helped himself to a glass of water. “So, tell me. What’s your favorite color?”

  “Green,” she answered. Scott would want her to be happy. Her father wanted her to be happy. She needed to feel something other than complete emptiness. Valerie could easily rush into her new relationship with reckless disregard. She doubted August cared either way. “Yours?”

  “Blue. Royal blue. But come up with your own question. You can’t just ask mine back.”

  “Oh, is that what we’re doing? Um, how do you like your coffee?”

  “Black. I’m an emergency physician. You should’ve been able to guess that. Why nursing?”

  “Job stability. The challenge. Being the difference not only between life and death but also the quality of life. I’m not really an adrenaline junkie.”

  “It suits you. You know, when I started med school, I had to swear to my residency program I wouldn’t date a nurse, because it was so cliché.”

  “If I had a dime for every time someone asked my husband if he was a doctor, I’d have a lot of dimes.” The sadness returned.

  “It is helpful to talk about him?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t ever, except to Caleb. In which case, no.” A lump formed in her throat. “And I can’t help it. When Caleb learns something new, I get excited to tell Scott about it then remember I can’t.”

  She was quiet for a moment before she asked, “Did you lose someone? In the Awakening mess I mean.” It made her feel uncomfortable to ask such a personal question.

  “In a way. She wasn’t a good person. She broke up with me when she woke up and saw that I looked twenty. Convinced she’d slept with my son—whom she’d never met—by some drunken mistake, she confessed to cheating on me from the start. I mean, I suspected.”

  “Did you ever cheat on her?”

  “No. I didn’t.”

  Valerie just nodded. She tried imagining him at his real age. “Are you into younger women?”

  “I’m into you,” he said, reaching for her hand.

  “Good answer. Cheesy, but good.”

  August pulled her to him and slowly leaned in. Their first kiss had been hard, desperate. But this time his lips were warm, soft, gentle. They were not amid battle. Their lives did not depend on it. She tried to control her pulse, the energy. But in doing so, it brought a wave of guilt mixed with every emotion she could feel all at once. The tears came when she pulled away from him.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, touching her face.

  Valerie just shook her head and touched a hand to her lips. She could still feel his there. She longed for him, but denied herself repeatedly. “I wish I could just drink this away, drown it out.”

  “You don’t have to let them go to move forward. Scott and your father.”

  “Don’t I, though? Every move I make closer to you takes me further away from my life before. I shouldn’t have pushed Dad away. I was so angry. He betrayed me, but he only did what he thought was best. I see him and Scott when my son smiles and it rips open my wounds every single time. I can hardly look at my little boy at all, and then there’s this baby. They did nothing to deserve this. To deserve me as a mother.”

  “I can’t pretend I know what it’s like for you, but I want to help if you’d let me. I don’t mind when you pull on my energy to support yourself emotionally. That’s all I ever want to do for you, Val. I can’t tell you how to fight the war you’re waging on yourself.” He touched her chin and kissed her cheek. “I’ll head back to my side of the castle if you want. It’s getting late. Do you need anything before I go?”

  “Don’t?”

  He stayed.

  Hyka hopped into Valerie’s apartment fifteen minutes earlier than usual.

  “You’re up to something,” Valerie accused.

  August cleared his throat as he emerged from Valerie’s room. “Good morning, Hyka.”

  “I only brought Valerie coffee. I didn’t know…”

  “It’s fine,” he laughed. “Is everything ready?”

  “Ready for what?” Valerie asked.

  “Yeah. We’re all meeting in the lobby first though. Come on,” Hyka said, her voice reaching an unusually high octave.

  “Give me a minute to freshen up. I’ll be down in five minutes,” August said, making his way to the door.

  Hyka let out an annoyed sigh. “Whatever. Hurry up.” She stared at Valerie until the door closed behind Valerie’s overnight guest.

  “Did you?”

  “NO! Christ, Hyka. I’m pregnant for crying out loud.”

  “Hmm.”

  Snatching the coffee cup from Hyka, she sat at the kitchen table. “What are you guys up to anyway?”

  “Just bringing some much-needed closeness to this place. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.”

  “What’s that?” Valerie asked.

  “Christmas with the orphans?”

  Valerie laughed. “Oh my goodness, I got caught up in the moment. I suppose I can’t take it back though.”

  “I just wanted to personally thank you for volunteering me to babysit a few hundred kids.”

  “Right? It just sounds like a logistical nightmare. Sometimes I wonder if just two is too many,” Valerie said, rubbing a hand over her stomach.

  “It’s a little late for that, Val.”

  “Is it though?” She laughed, but she knew without Jack and Hyka even Caleb was a handful at times. Then guilt, her old familiar friend, brought back all the feelings of blame. There was something Valerie had been meaning to talk to Hyka about, too. “Do you think all this is my fault?”

  Hyka took a solemn breath and sat across from her. “No. I don’t blame myself either.”

  “I blamed my father for Scott’s death, for Jarrett’s assault, for turning me into a murderer.”

  “Jarrett was a murderer.”

  “And I blamed my father for the millions who died.”

  “Jarrett would have killed everyone, more even, regardless who your parents were. Your dad didn’t kill Scott.”

  “I would have at least had a fighting chance had he not told Jarrett every detail of my life. My son would have remained safe, and my husband stranded in Wyoming, waiting for a train home. But now they’re all dead, and the only one left to blame is me.”

  “That’s survivor's guilt. It’s mostly a bunch of irrational ideas you create to make sense of what happened. Usually involves blaming yourself for not changing some abstract detail that might have prevented the outcome.”

  “Are you psychoanalyzing me?”

  “I’m helping you make sense of this fucked up life we have now.”

  Valerie nodded, ignoring the language. Knowing her deep pit of depression had a name, a label, meant there could be a way to climb out.

  “I wish I had known this when I lost my mom. It might have helped me heal. I never did. And now I’m hit with the same mortal wound again and again and again, and it doesn’t kill me. Instead, I’m emotionally maimed. I don’t even have real feelings anymore. I have forced and rehearsed reactions. August… Hell, I don’t understand what he thinks. He can’t possibly think I’m madly in love with him. I can’t love anymore. Everything I love dies. I even have a hard time with Caleb.” With the words spoken out loud, they caught in her throat, and Valerie buried her head in her hands.

  “Come on,” Hyka said, standing up. “We’re making some big changes today for the better. I worked really hard on this, so you better attempt to like it.”

  Hyka practically pulled Valerie down to each landing of stairs and through the heavy hotel door. Jack sat in the lobby wearing coveralls splattered with paint stains, some of which looked fresh. As Valerie crossed the hotel expanse, August escorted Caleb to the large dining table. Jack pulled a roll of paper from next to his seat, spreading the paper across the tab
le toward her. They were blueprints.

  “I thought we already approved the memorial design,” she said, looking up at August. She found the tasks following her father’s passing petty details and wanted nothing more than to have a day off. But August’s smile conveyed this was not a matter of business.

  “I couldn’t wait any longer to show you,” he said, wrapping his arms around her.

  He was warm, but surprises always made her nervous. She looked down again at the drawing. They were blueprints for a house. Had he built her a home away from the Facility? She looked up at him with the unspoken question in her teary eyes.

  “We converted the entire eighth floor of the hotel to a decent-sized apartment to accommodate you, Caleb, August, and the baby,” Jack explained. “There’s also a guest room and a room for a nanny if that is something you wanted to look into.”

  “You built this overnight?” she asked, confused and a little disappointed she was not free of the Facility.

  “No,” August said, smiling. “We’ve been working on it for a few months. There is space for me if you want me there. We don’t have to move in together immediately. It’s more of a precaution for the baby,” August explained, reading her expression dead-on.

  Valerie could hardly breathe. She reviewed the prints, and, though they shared the same common areas, August’s room was still on the east side of the building and hers still on the west. The baby’s room connected their bedrooms. Caleb’s room was next to hers.

  Everyone held their breath, waiting for her reaction. She fanned her face in a feeble attempt to keep from crying.

  “Thank you.”

  “Construction is complete. Jack finished painting as of this morning, and the furniture is in place if you want to have a look when we finish breakfast?” August offered.

  She remembered the feeling of happiness in the cabin. How natural August’s proximity felt and how having everyone together in one space made her feel safe and whole. On the other hand, they made yet another move without her. More secrets. She was being led instead of her leading them. Every time they swore there were no more secrets, more came to light in the form of surprises. Her rehearsed smile masked her distrust just in time and she agreed. Jack and August both sighed with relief.